Eminem - The Slim Shady LP (1999)

I've been putting this off for too long. This one has stopped me in my tracks for weeks. I seriously considered abandoning my whole project just so I'd never have to listen to another minute of Eminem for the rest of my life. I know what you're thinking. If it's so loathsome, why not just skip it? The rules are completely arbitrary, and I've skipped stuff before or jumped ahead in my order when it suited me. Well, I don't want to make a habit of that. Also, it's been a while since I listened to a rap album, so I'm probably due.

What's the over-under on Eminem saying "fuck". 5 seconds? I'll take the under.

Damn... it took 6 seconds. Though to be fair the first track on the album is a really stupid "public service announcement" not said by Eminem. Actually I suppose it could be if his voice was slowed down or dropped an octave. In any case it's really dumb and a waste of space.

I can't believe I forgot this "My Name Is" song existed. I don't think I ever actually listened to it when it was new, but everyone parodied the chorus so I was at least aware of it. So what the hell is "Slim Shady?" Wait, I don't care. Once again I get the feeling that Eminem hates his mother, authority figures, women, and really wants me to think he's a badass.

"Brain Damage" features Mr. Mathers rapping about shit that happened to him in middle school, I think. I get the feeling that his principal probably didn't join in when he was getting his head smashed in. Though maybe it's a metaphor, and the fact that no one protected him felt like they were joining in... Oh Christ, am I actually starting to analyse Eminem music? Maybe I've been brain damaged.

"If I Had" contains a curious lyric where Eminem whines, "I'm tired of being white trash..." Aside from the song talking about all the minor annoyances he's tired of, including the shoes and the hat he wears, he also goes on and on about what he'd do if he had a million dollars. It's only slightly less annoying than the Bare Naked Ladies song, if only because the "song" doesn't have that ear-worm quality. In any case, if Eminem really were tired of being white trash he has a funny way of showing it.

Haven't I already heard a song about Eminem killing his wife/girlfriend/baby mama? Shocking that he felt he needed to write another. This one features a bunch of childish lies he tells to his daughter to explain why her mother isn't moving and is covered in blood. I am not a violent person, but I feel so much violent hatred when I listen to Eminem sing trash like this.

Did he just try to rhyme "shovel" with "love you?" Genius, right? The only thing more genius than that are the sound effects he keeps doing with his mouth.

Now he's blowing off a girl named Susan who's crying because her father raped her, I guess because he's got the real problems and she should shut her mouth. Holy fuck, Eminem needs to choke on a sack of dicks. I've already judged this to be a piece of shit, so why the fuck am I still listening?

1 star. Go ahead, write a comment and tell me how this asshole's beats are genius or whatever.