Sorry I'm a bit late in posting, but I was a bit nervous about this review. Read on and you'll understand why.
I love "Hey Jude" but every now and then it clicks in my brain that the song is really only four minutes long. Then it just goes on and on with that "Naaaahhhh naaahhh naaahhh nah nah nah naaaahhhh!" part, which I do enjoy but as a guilty pleasure. Part of me keeps saying, "There really should be a solo or something here." Another part of me says the song really can't end any other way. Once that section gets started it could really go on forever like that, and I think Paul McCartney realized that and just went with it because he couldn't figure out how to make the song end. But I still like the song.
I've never really liked it's B-side "Revolution". It rocks pretty hard, but the guitar is over-distorted and tinny. The instruments never gel and constantly feel like each band member is trying to play louder than everyone else. On the later verses the drums in particular are just way too heavy. It seems with "Revolution" The Beatles were trying to make a hard rock song but went too far.
Interestingly, the original single version is in mono, and there exists a remixed stereo version which I feel really tones down these problems. Of course John Lennon thinks the stereo version completely ruins the sound of the song. I get the feeling that John Lennon and I would never get along. He seems like a contrarian asshole. The stereo version is much more balanced, and while I agree with Lennon the stereo version isn't as "heavy", the mono version is just obese.
Now for The Beatles. By that I mean The Beatles' eponymous album, commonly known as "the white album". I am once again filled with dread. Maybe I'm just listening to way more Beatles music than any human should in such a short time and this 93-minute epic might be way too much to handle. What concerns me about this double album, which by previous Beatles album standards is long enough to qualify as a triple, is it being stuffed with lots of B-material they wouldn't have normally released.
I think The Beatles so far have worked best when they get into the song, do what they need to do and get out. None of their songs would have been improved by an extra verse or an over-repeated chorus. They have pretty much avoided extended breakdowns or solos. In fact thus far only "Hey Jude" has really over-extended it's welcome. While I haven't liked all their albums thus far at least they've all been quick and easy listens. Looking at the title sheet with songs like "Glass Onion", "Happiness Is A Warm Gun", and "Everybody's Got Something To Hide Except Me And My Monkey", I am afraid this album might break that mold.
Let's dive in, shall we?
"Back In The USSR" opens the album and features a lot of squealing airplane overdubs. It makes it really noisy, but it's a cool tune, and features a really awesome parody of surfer music from the 50's. "Dear Prudence" is lovely, but I get tired of hearing John Lennon say, "Deeeaaar Prudence," over and over. I also wonder if Lennon's voice is off key by accident or if he didn't care how awful he sounded. "Glass Onion" wouldn't be so bad if the lyrics weren't just a reprise of a bunch of previous Beatles titles. It's like they're telling me how great their other songs are and here's another great thing they sell I should try. No thanks, fuck you.
Oh, I previously said, "Hello Goodbye" was the worst popular Beatles song. I was wrong. I forgot about "Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da". It's such absurd forced happiness and doesn't work on any level. Neither does "Wild Honey Pie", which is easily the worst Beatles song I've ever heard in my life, a totally confused mess. "The Continuing Story of Bungalow Bill" is at least coherent, but could have used less whistling on the end, and less whiny Yoko Ono. Also, overdubbing people applauding at the end of your shitty song is tacky. The worst part is the applause partially cuts over the beginning of the next song, George Harrison's epic "While My Guitar Gently Weeps", and ruins the first note. Thank god at least for this song showing up, I was beginning to lose it.
I almost liked "Happiness Is A Warm Gun" until I heard the backing vocals going, "Bang bang, shoot shoot." I thought the song was being a serious reflection of suicide or something cool and dark until that. WTF, John Lennon? Why do you insist on ruining perfectly good ideas with this silly shit? Luckily "Martha My Dear" follows. It starts off as a cute little piano piece then expands itself with a bombastic brass orchestration. "I'm So Tired" is a boring piece of filler, but at least Lennon kept the "hilarity" of his recent tunes off this one. "Blackbird" is a sweet acoustic tune. "Piggies" is a goofy harpsichord period piece with awesome satirical lyrics. In spite of McCartney's hokey opening monologue "Rocky Raccoon" is a nice dark folk tune. Well, I guess the album is picking up steam a bit.
"Don't Pass Me By" isn't bad but sorta boring and a verse too long. I think the only reason they included it was because if they were going to make a double, they should at least allow Ringo to write and sing one song. Next is "Why Don't We Do It In The Road?" a cliched 12-bar turd, and another contender for the worst Beatles song I've ever heard. "I Will" could have done without an acapella bass line. It makes it sound like another shitty joke. "Julia" is nice but I feel The Beatles have done this sort of song already. "Birthday" is a solid rocker, no real complaints. "Yer Blues" is a rough 12-bar number which features some pretty lame shambling. I'm shocked The Beatles would be so derivative in their later days, supposedly their "so awesome we can't fuck anything up" days.
"Mother Nature's Son" breaks up the inanity by being short, sweet and beautiful, although I was hoping it was gonna build to a big rocking conclusion. I really should stop finding fault in songs I like, because then I waste good insults for the songs that suck, like "Everybody's Got Something To Hide Except Me And My Monkey". That song is dumb, but not in an offensive way, which is what I was hoping for based on the title. Somehow that makes it worse.
I like the discordance of "Sexy Sadie" but the chorus is lazy- "She's the greatest... of them all." "Helter Skelter" is probably supposed to be a hard rock track but the mix is so shitty the drums are almost completely washed out. The rest of the song is screechy and distorted- The Beatles really shouldn't try so hard to be a heavy metal band, it doesn't work. And the song keeps fading in and out at the end- I'm guessing this song is heralded as being "genius" due to shit like this. After that I was very glad that "Long, Long, Long" is a pretty organ piece by George Harrison that doesn't overstay it's welcome.
"Revolution 1" is the "Revolution" song you know but completely wussified by slowing it down, playing it acoustically, adding overwrought orchestration, and including "Shooby-doo-wop" on the backing vocals. No surprise this piece of junk is buried on the D-side of The Beatles. If this was John Lennon's original vision of this song he's lucky he got overruled on the single, because this is crap and would never have been a hit. Wait, that's a lie... since it's a Beatles song of course it would have been a hit. But it would have had no right to be.
The next song is called "Honey Pie" and really signals how The Beatles must have been running out of ideas by now. Not only is there already a song on this album called "Wild Honey Pie" but "Honey Pie" is basically the same idea as "When I'm Sixty-Four" with maybe a bit more guitar. It's not bad at all. I probably like it more than "When I'm Sixty-Four". It's just a bit odd that they're so similar.
I'm not sure what "Savoy Truffle" is but it's OK- or at least it was until George mentioned "Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da". Did The Beatles expect that to become a thing just because they wrote it in a song? "Cry Baby Cry" is a cool combination of soft and dark.
Whatever John Lennon was hoping to accomplish with "Revolution 9" he failed. It's just a random collection of junk repeated over and over. It had no place on a Beatles record, even this one. This is the height of musical pretentiousness right here. Once upon a time this group could make a great statement with two guitars, a bass, a drummer, and a cool lyric. Now they're selling me this noise? We're a long way from "Love Me Do", that's for sure.
The album closes with a beautiful orchestral piece "Goodnight" that I really wish had not featured vocals by one of The Beatles. I've come to the conclusion that I really can't stand their voices for the most part. Sometimes it works OK but it doesn't here. I'm pretty sure Ringo is singing these cheesy lyrics, and having him sing over a beautiful instrumental piece leads me to believe whoever wrote this meant it to be a joke. But it's well produced and performed, except for the singing, so the joke isn't really satire about this kind of music. It's more like, "Hey, we're The Fucking Beatles and if we want to shit all over a great track we will and YOU'LL STILL BUY IT, WANKERS!"
Well that's it, the whole "white album". I wasn't planning on doing any song-by-song breakdowns while I did this Beatles side-project, but I just kept coming up with new things to say as I trudged through. It's pretty easy for me to realize that "the white album", of all the Beatles albums I've thus far heard, provoked the biggest emotional reaction from me. For the most part I just really hated it. There were good songs but it was weighed down with so much garbage. For a band that seemed to pride itself on being so short, sweet, and to the point on their previous albums it's ironic that their eponymous output would be so overwrought, uneven, and jokey.
When this album first appeared critics were mixed in their opinions, and I can see why. Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band was heralded as a masterpiece. The Beatles were coming off their strongest effort and their influence on pop music would never be greater. I'm sure many of those same critics were looking for The Beatles to continue that upward trend. But the released album just didn't deliver the same jolt as its predecessor. There was no grand attempt to make something high-concept. There wasn't even a concentrated effort to do the opposite and make something dark and reserved. The worst sin is it contains little of the type of classic-Beatles rock that shot them to the top of the charts in the first place. The contemporary review phrases that really strike me about this album are "eclectic," "profound mediocrity," and "lack of unity".
As typically happens with any work by legendary artists "The white album" has become something of a legend, with some modern critics considering it their best work. It's funny how many retrospective reviews still call the album a mess while praising it. I read a review that includes, "loads of self-indulgent filler," but says it's, "part of the fun," as the author mentally reconciling a real distaste for the album with understanding that trashing The Beatles won't be appreciated by fanboys. Critics really should have stuck to their guns on this album. It is filled with junk, and a few solid tracks don't change that. It is possible that great songs like "While My Guitar Gently Weeps" came off a piece of shit record. It's also possible the mighty Beatles released a bad album in their supposed prime.
The sad thing is they probably didn't have to. Producer George Martin wasn't keen on a Beatles double-LP, but The Beatles felt it was time to clear out a logjam of written material. Still a more focused album of the same material probably wouldn't have been as big a smash as Sgt. Pepper was. Going back and thinking of the best dozen or so tracks on The Beatles doesn't quite add up to its predecessor's grandeur. Maybe the pressure on the group to release another Sgt. Pepper factored into creating a double album. Maybe the hope was something big and long would confuse people enough to believe it was epic. Maybe The Beatles were just counting on retrospective reviews to eventually declare this crud a masterpiece. Or maybe they really thought they were gonna make another defining statement with this material and cocked it up.
I've probably said enough at this point. So how the hell do I cram all that word salad above into a star rating? I can't really follow my standard rule here and call it a good album just because it has a few decent tunes on it. I'm actually kinda angry. What's stuck in my head is this eclectic (how fitting!) old child's rhyme:
There was a little girl, who had a little curl,
right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good,
but when she was bad she was horrid.
The list of good on The Beatles is outweighed by the list of bad. I even had issues with most of the songs I liked. The quality of good is drastically outweighed by the pompousness of the bad, meaning a good song played and was over, but a bad song really stuck in my craw. I'm having trouble getting over it and I've been writing this conclusion for at least an hour. I think some part of me is desperately trying to convince the rest of me I'm wrong when I haven't even decided on a final verdict.
I guess The Beatles really fucked me up, and that's all there is to it. I even completely forgot this review included "Hey Jude" until just now. But I even complained about that song! OK, this is dangerous, but I'm gonna do it. It's my damn review and I don't care. I hated The Beatles and that's all there is to it. 1 star.
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